A Job Nobody Wants

Originally posted on Sept. 7, 2010.

Chronic Pain: noooobody wants this job, least of all me. Long hours, terrible pay, no days off, no vacation.  Imagine not having weekends: how would you recover from the week, get errands done, see friends? Yeah.

So what's wrong with me? Constant headache for 17 years. Fibromyalgia. Chronic muscle pain: my fascia, the thin sheath in and around muscle tissue, is super tight. It crushes my muscles, causing pain and spasm and fatigue and pain. Initially only my neck was involved, now it's my entire body. The worst part is the arm and hand involvement because I've defined myself largely by what I make.

The muscle pain is the worst. I can deal with being dumb, above and beyond pain-generated brain not workingness. I can deal with awful headaches, they even make pain meds for that. But muscle pain where moving is impossible, and so is staying still? Where everything, all the time, no matter what, is sucking the life out of you? Some days it's too much. Especially days and weeks where I'm in too much pain to see or talk to friends and my life shrinks down to the walls of my apartment, and survival.

I don't remember what it's like to not hurt, to have normal amounts of energy. I try to notice and value the small beauties in life. Truly enjoy being with friends when I can, be a good friend in return. And mostly I try not to think about it. So enough of this!

Eta 4/2016: What was originally diagnosed as Fibromyalgia has turned out to be an autoimmune connective tissue disease. I don't want to retroactively edit myself, but did want to update the facts.


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