April 23, 2011

I Wish...

I started thinking today about how I used to have a hard time sitting still.  Then chronic pain and illness robbed me of energy.  I started knitting and quilting while watching old movies.  I enjoyed learning new knitting techniques and having something to show for my time.  Slowly I learned to accept the limitations pain placed on me.

If I could have one wish: to have been healthy from age 16 on.  I was headed toward a career in surgery, working all over the world.  The reality was I struggled to study half time in college and had no hopes for a career.  A few years later the pain flared and college was in my past.

In 2005 the myofascial pain began, an extreme form that tightened the fascia and muscles throughout my body.  I had planned to return to college that summer but this made study impossible.

Last year saw the end of my hopes for a future with a good man.  Now I'm alone, and perhaps a woman unable to do the simplest things should be alone.  But I miss companionship, I miss someone who cares.  No relationship is perfect but this one started off with great promise.  So I wish that it had worked out.  That my normally cheery outlook had rubbed off on him, that we could have brought stability and love to each others' lives for years to come, and the few things I'm still able to do I could have done for someone I love.

I wish that all the gains I'd made in three years--walking and jogging, making and spending time with friends, having fun--weren't lost with only more pain and disability to look forward to.  I don't know how to find hope for my future.  The best I can do is not think about it.


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