Companionship

The one thing I really miss, being single and living alone, is having that one person to talk to about anything.  It's not the same telling bits and pieces to various friends--I'm largely invisible.  When someone else is witness to your daily existence it lends meaning.  The interesting things I see, or funny thoughts I have, are left to rattle around in my brain, unshared.  Not that life is awful, just lonely.  And I've had more than enough loneliness for one lifetime.

Btw, there's such a huge cultural bias against admitting to loneliness.  We're supposed to be happy with our own company, self sufficient, able to cope.  What is that about, I wonder?  Part of the do-it-all-yourself, by the bootstraps American image?  Examining cultural precepts is fascinating.  But then I'm weird that way ;)

A Conversation

I talked to my mom after breaking up with my guy.  I called a friend first but she was sleeping, so ended up with my mom.  Somewhere in the conversation my mom said--at least it sounded this way to me--that I shouldn't expect a man to ever want me because I'm ill.  She never talks this way normally and it was very hurtful, and the worst possible timing.  In the same conversation she mentioned how compassionate I am.  I don't get it.  I brought this up a few days later and she got upset with me.  We didn't resolve things but did state our points of view.

She decided to talk about it with someone else and try to figure out why she says these things.  I'm just so glad that she's trying to figure it out, and not with me!  Hopefully she'll have a better understanding of how much it hurt.  Cause I make an awesome girlfriend ;)

It's interesting how friends just accept me as I am, with no stigma, but maybe my mom still has her hopes from before I got sick.  I don't know what it is that's wrong or disappointing in her eyes.  With what I had to work with and the troubles along the way I've made a really good life.

Edit: I wanted to reiterate that what my mom actually said was not what I heard.  I still have no idea what exactly she was trying to say, but I'm sure it was supportive.  Or meant to be.

Sewing...or at least thinking about it

Birds!  in cross stitch

Initially I meant this to be primarily a sewing blog with some knitting and life thrown in.  However I have had so little energy due to chronic pain that almost no sewing has happened.  Plus it's winter and my task lighting sucks.

I did finish a cross stitch piece that I'd started in high school!  I gave it to my mom for her birthday and she loved it :)  I wanted to post a photo once it was framed but she's choosing the frame.

Maybe I'll put the sewing machine on the dining table since there's better light there.  I never actually eat at the table anyway.  I have a quilt to finish quilting, a jacket to sew and I'm sure other things I'm forgetting.

I had started making a wrist pin cushion but kept making stupid mistakes.  After bumping my head last week I've had headaches and migraines (worse than usual) and now bronchitis.  I may undo the mistake and try again tomorrow.  It would be very handy to have and I don't care for the store bought ones.

Disappointed

I thought I'd found a nice man to share my life with.  Instead...I don't know.  He's no longer kind to me, doesn't think of me, just takes me for granted.  Many friends were checking in and making sure I was ok after hitting my head.  Not him.

I know people have difficult times in life but that doesn't have to make for an unkind person.  It should bring out one's empathy.  I'm tired of men becoming hard and insensitive to me, ending whatever relationship we had.  I'm an open-hearted person and feel deceived when this happens.

We live in a world full of evil but I'd hoped that my little corner of it was safer.  Obviously I was wrong.  Again.

Oops

I'm working on a jeans hemming tutorial but got interrupted.  I walked into the corner of the wall, really hard.  Thankfully my mom was at the door and took care of me.

Owww

The swelling got worse overnight and I think I'll end up with a black eye.  

Wishing everyone else a safe weekend!