No Place on Earth

I recently read a quote:

"I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change.  I'm changing the things I cannot accept."
- Angela Davis, PhD

It made me pause and think, maybe I can change at least one thing.  My apartment's drains have been slow (again) and it took (again) three weeks for maintenance to show up to snake the drain.  The benefits of where I am now: walkability, transit, social options, are not things I can take advantage of any more.  So I've started looking at where else I might live.  The list is...not long.

I am poor.  When I say that I don't mean that I have to choose a home with a roommate in a less ideal neighborhood.  I mean that I fall under the "extremely low" income category of below 30% the median area income.  Ever tried finding subsidized housing?  Not easy.  Ever tried finding it when you're this broke?  Practically impossible.

The real problem is that I don't belong anywhere.  There is no place for me.  I'm single, I don't have kids.  I'm not obliged or able to help a relative with childcare.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I'm not a burden being shuttled between relations.  But not fitting into the fabric of society is painful.

I don't know how I'd find the energy to pack up and move.  But if I could find a place with some real community, I'd just love that.  When you have subsidized housing and talk about moving it's usually in terms of years, not weeks or months.  And I haven't started anything yet.  But this is a place for my thoughts, so here's another one of them.

Open Letter to Prednisone

I am awake due to painsomnia, so you get this treat:

Oh prednisone, I had such hopes for you. I was flattering and appreciative, believing we could build a positive working relationship. You were far from perfect, but I understood that everyone has their flaws. What’s a little insomnia when your joints actually work? But now…painful breasts, GI-baby bump, hot flashes, the appetite of a 200lb man. As soon as Tuesday rolls around, consider yourself dumped!

Tuesday is when I see my rheumatologist again, that paragon of autoimmune intelligence, and hopefully she'll have some better treatment options  Prednisone isn't the worst boyfriend ever, but it is high on the list. If I'm incredibly lucky, she may actually have a diagnosis!

My Gram

My paternal grandmother died when I was twenty.  She fought cancer for several years, hard years.  I loved her but was overwhelmed by the situation, didn't know how to react, and was caught up in my own life.  She wrote me cards and letters over that time, and I always felt guilty that I was so bad at calling or writing her back.  I wasn't grown up enough to deal with her illness.  I had one wonderful visit with her during that time, and I treasure those memories.

Yesterday I got a bug to declutter, and went through old correspondence.  In it were all the cards and letters she wrote from that time, and earlier.  A rabbit-themed fold-out birthday card for my 19th birthday--she said "I know, I know, you're 19, but I couldn't help myself."  I loved that card.

Reading her writing now, with greater understanding and experience, is like having a conversation with her.  I read her thanking me for a quilt I made her, how it kept her warm and loved.  I read about the gifts I sent, with my mom's help, and I feel sure that she knew I loved her.  And still do.  I always mourned that we couldn't know each other as adults.  But I trust that I will see her again, with her red hair restored.

Eleanor,  Frank Weston Bensen, Wikimedia Commons

The card my Gram used most often

Solar Powered Self

My energy bump due to sun and warmer weather has arrived, and it's so so welcome!  I've had a migraine respite for a couple days as well, and got out to see friends last night.  Yesterday was full of phone calls, which sorted out a hairy health insurance problem.  Pro tip: one great doctor will know and refer you to other great docs.  Merely good docs don't have this superpower.

Thanks to everyone for reading, it's a big boost to see the stats :)  I have a few small projects to share, of varying success, I just need to photograph them.

A Post

I want to post but don't have anything specific to base an entire post on.  Instead a quick update:

I'm continuing to spin and feel my fingers getting more proficient each time, that's very cool.  The last couple weeks have been migraine heavy so I've been struggling to stay caught up with eating, cleaning and other basics of life.

The cleaner who made life so much easier and nicer? She quit.  I can only clean part of a room at a time, and rarely two days in a row, so my place is not great.  I really need to vacuum again but that's the hardest job for me.  I'm looking for a new cleaner, but that's really slowed down by the migraines.

My hands are hurting less, the arthritis seems under better control, so I've been knitting more.  Hopefully I'll have a finished project to show soon.  I'm thinking about what I can knit with handspun yarn, too, which is fun :)

Cleaning

As a Very Sick Person one of my small indulgences is to pay someone else to clean my apartment.  This is a wonderful arrangement: she enjoys cleaning, and is good at it.  I do not enjoy cleaning, am passable in ability, and cleaning hurts.  However, this week my cleaner has pneumonia.

Thus last night found me cleaning the bathroom.  This is one of the easy jobs, at least if you avoid dipping the corner of the rag in the toilet.  Tomorrow is vacuuming day, and I even trimmed the cats' claws in advance.  Dusting will come later, much of it courtesy of the vacuum (I told you I was only passable).  So yes, quite the exciting weekend I have planned ;)

Anniversaries

I got married eight years ago today.  The wedding was great, a party and family reunion all in one.  But it was downhill from there.

I've been single now for five years and much happier now than then.  It's hard to believe how much has changed and how many years have passed since those events.  I'm still hoping to find a lifelong partner, but I've made wonderful lifelong friends which is something I never thought I'd have.  I live in my dream neighborhood and have productive creative outlets in knitting and sewing.  Life is good :)

This also marks my 220th post!  Thank you for reading.

Shoes, Yet Again

I went a little overboard buying shoes tonight: I bought four pair!  But returns are free and I'm difficult to fit.  My amazing waterproof Timberlands (similar to Docs) are finally dying :(

So I bought a few pair from Zappos:

Zappos

I love these from Børn, but they only had an 8.5 where I normally wear a 9.  Fingers crossed...

Zappos

I like saddle shoes, liked the off-white, and Bass makes narrow width.  I ordered them before remembering that there are quality issues and many people have had the soles split.  Bass was purchased in 2004 and the problems started then.

Zappos

Another pair of saddle shoes, on sale and also in narrow sizes.  Just to hedge my bets ;)  They're Jumping Jacks, mainly a kid's brand, so sturdily made.

Then I saw a fantastic Cyber Monday sale on Willits saddles in black and white, so bought them:

Shoebuy.com

Willits have been making saddle shoes for years and have many widths to choose from.  The white stands up to hard wear better than I'd have thought, and having been married to an Army guy I know how to shine shoes!

The Fedora Lounge has so much info on saddle shoes, I could never have figured this out in an evening without their resources.  Thanks ladies!

I'd been looking at some fab reverse saddles at Muffys, but they're not available in narrow.  If none of these work I'll definitely call Muffy's and ask about sizing of the reverse saddles.
In the meantime I hope my Visa bill doesn't come too soon!

Muffy's Reverse Saddles

Coincidence

Last night I pulled out some sheet music, thinking that I should play my piano keyboard more often.  Of course more than none doesn't take much effort ;)

Today a neighbor with a real piano was playing Moonlight Sonata.  My mom used to play it and it's one of my favorite pieces.  Then, just now, the neighbor started playing ragtime.  Which is funny because the top piece of music I pulled out last night was Scott Joplin, the most famous ragtime composer.  I remember it being pretty technically challenging, though, and was amused when I heard the neighbor thump the keyboard in frustration.

No Yarn Harlot for Me; Halloween

She's here in (not quite) Seattle, speaking as I type!  But Thurs is my PT day and I hurt so much after, so no Yarn Harlot for me.  I've been knitting for 17 years and it's always fun to meet other knitters.

I need to figure out a Halloween costume.  I kind of suck at costumes.  The top contender this year is Troll doll.

Halloween 2010, with borrowed hat ;)

The other idea is to wear black pants with a black velvet stripe, black jacquard corset, black top, and accessories.  I have no idea what this would make me but it sounds cool!  Or I could glue a bunch of yarn and socks to myself and be Crazy Knitter Lady--not exactly a stretch, lol

Last year I was a Lady Explorer, complete with riding boots, khaki pants, fancy blouse, vest and giant hat.  It devolved by the end of the evening, hee hee.

Exciting Saturday

What a day!  I met up with a date this afternoon and we walked around the Arboretum then got dinner.  I'd invited to him to some friends' pumpkin carving party so we headed off to that.  I got to hold their baby (so cute, and soft), carve my pumpkin, and see friends.

I got home around 10pm ready to relax and read for a while.  Except I heard water dripping while waiting for the elevator...it was raining in the laundry room!  I called building maintenance, walked in my door, and the fire alarm went off.  I didn't even have a chance to fire up my jack o' lantern :(  Heading down the stairs I noticed that half the fourth floor was flooded and water was literally raining down the stairwell.  I'm so glad I live above this!!!  The fire department arrived just as I was leaving.

So I headed to a local restaurant, got a drink and hung out with the friendly staff.  Then headed back home to a no-longer-dripping building.  Apparently someone fell, broke their toilet, and didn't notice for a few hours.  Now I'm ready to read some, return a couple emails, and head to bed.

Birthday! and Shoe Trouble

It's my birthday week--that's how my family rolls.  My mom and I visited PikePlace Market yesterday, almost buying out the Piroshky store.  Yum!  I got so many birthday wishes from friends it made me all glowy inside.  Instead of feeling down about turning 35yo I've decided that I really like myself and I'm still lookin' good.  Though I may stay at 35 for a few years, hee hee.

New shoes, zappos.com

My new Docs are too big, like kick-ass waterproof boats for my feet.  Workable with extra insoles and thick socks, not so with tights and a skirt.  So back to the store they will go.  I'd ordered some bright purple Converse and today was refunded, seems they are totally sold out.  Bummer!

I went shoe shopping, again, and found some Ecco Mary Janes which are super comfy and fit the brief.  Though nowhere near the Docs, I will settle and be happy for shoes that don't need breaking in.

Job Offer

Waiting for the bus yesterday I saw a woman from the local utility connecting the electric and gas for a new business.  She had a great big wrench and put her leg against the wall for leverage to tighten a fitting.  We started talking about tools and the even larger wrenches she has.  Then she said, "you should come work for me."  In my head I said Absolutely! while knowing it's impossible.

I've had three or four experiences recently of realizing a job would suit me well, then I stopped myself.  I haven't been able to work for years, and then only part time from home.  Maybe there is something in my future, a reason for these thoughts.  At least they don't make me sad anymore.  I would love my body to heal but have no faith that this will happen.  If I could just have enough energy for daily life plus a little extra for fun that would be amazing!

Play Date

I went on a date today and it was good.  It was with a guy I met online, who invited me to see a play this afternoon.  I was very nervous before he picked me up--my first date in 3 years!  Plus I was worried about my neck hurting, and trying to explain my health issues.  The play was good and we enjoyed talking.  After we got food and talked more.

We stopped in to play pool somewhere and found out there was a swing dance class starting in an hour.  So we went back to my place, I changed, and back we went.  I was so excited to meet friendly people in the swing dance community and dance for the first time in too long.  Maybe this would be the impetus to take more lessons and go to dances.  I got 15min into the class then felt so lightheaded I had to sit down.  For the rest of the class.  He was very nice and checked on me.  I felt better by the end of the hour-long class and we danced some.  We hung out there then he dropped me home.

Now my legs are sore, I have a headache, my neck's bothering me, and I hate that I can't go dancing--something I love.  I'm glad to have tried, and that I could do some, but it's very disappointing to always be reminded of how screwed up my body is.  I wish I could go back in time to 17yo and switch for a healthy body.  Telling someone about my life is pretty depressing.