The simplicity of hard choices

I've been thinking about hard decisions. We often frame them as choices between right vs wrong or good vs bad. Even simpler than that is the question I ask myself: will I like who I am more or less based on what I decide?

My ex-husband was an abusive narcissist. I watched him make choice after choice to become that person. At first they were very small decisions, not even perceptible as good vs bad. At the end of two years, however, he was no longer recognizable as himself. I learned that every choice to sacrifice your ethics for convenience or selfishness compounds. A tiny compromise now becomes difficult or impossible to recover from when repeated enough times.

Today I had the opportunity to believe a friend or not. Faced with an uncomfortable fact, what do I do? I chose to set aside the ego I had in my own judgement and trust someone else's experience. I didn't need to know both sides of the issue because only one side mattered: my friend's. I know the power of being believed and having my experiences valued. Being able to do that for others is a gift.

Thanksgiving!

I've felt not great this week, including on Thanksgiving, despite Benlysta on Monday. Or maybe because of it? I did enjoy the day, spent with my Sweetie and a friend. It was perfectly low key.

Spatchcocked turkey

I helped with the pie

The cook's treat (leftover pie crust rolled with cinnamon sugar)
was not a success. I neglected to set a timer.

All the food was delicious, the company pleasant, and the long weekend is very welcome. I hope you all enjoyed your holiday, or ordinary Thursday, as well!

Happy Thoughts

It's been a week. I won't dwell on my fears. Instead I'll share some positives.

Last Monday I visited a friend in Centralia (85mi south). She made me two beaded shawl pins to match my Watermelon Daybreak shawl. I knit on it while we sat together in her husband's hospital room this May.

I've worked hard to make a good life and to become the woman I am. I'm lucky enough to have assembled a team of friends who genuinely like me and I even have a sweetheart :)

Plus I live in a city where even the sidewalk gardens can be motivational:

Hang in there

Busy Few Months

I am so used to quickly adapting to life changes that I surprised myself with how much has happened recently. Let's break it down:

June: holy wow, Benlysta is working!
July: Summer has a boyfriend
Aug: Jake diagnosed with lymphoma; support group co-leader quit
Sept: Jake euthanized; family gathering in Pennsylvania
Oct: never-ending cold; my 40th bday; new co-leader

So, yeah, a lot going on. I've stayed productive, made and kept friendships, and my fella is still around :D I've been struggling with high pain some days but managing well despite that.

Friday night prefunk with a friend

Oh sweetie

Two friends said that yesterday when they learned Jake is dying. He has aggressive lymphoma and a few weeks left. Prednisone has perked him up and improved his obstructed breathing, which is a relief. I'm aggressive about palliative care, and won't let him suffer or linger.

But to have people who care about me and offer help is amazing. When I was at my sickest I couldn't imagine this much improvement. I couldn't imagine rebuilding my social life. But I have. I no longer feel fragile: I am ready for what life throws at me.

Baby Jake with Elwood

Happy Solstice

Saturday I went to the Fremont Solstice Parade with a couple friends. It's famous for the pre-parade of naked painted bicyclists. I had never been, which is embarrassing to admit.

Wonder Woman!

There were many rainbows

Last night I headed over to a local beach to enjoy the longest day of the year. I posted an invite in my local Girl Crew group and invited friends. There were 5 of us, and we joined a couple with an impressive fruitwood fire. We had a great time! The rain even waited until we were leaving :)

Last light behind the Olympic mountains

Puget Sound at Solstice sunset

How to be a Superhero

Yesterday my hand pain was so high it almost brought me to tears. Despite that, I attended a new knitting group. On the way home I stopped and climbed the Volunteer Park water tower as the sun was setting. It was beautiful!

The sun sets behind the Olympic mountains

Then I got home and did laundry--before Benlysta even one of the day's tasks would have been too much for me.

Today I drove to Olympia to visit a friend whose very ill husband is in the hospital. We were good friends already, but today she said I'm one of her best friends. That is an honor to hear, to be allowed into someone's life and heart like that. Knitting is such a great hobby in these situations: you can just sit and knit and talk. We also checked out a nearby bakery and bought almost one of everything ;)

Chronic illness has taken a lot from me but it's given greater compassion and understanding. I also have days free, when fatigue allows, to spend with friends. These are amazing gifts, however painfully earned. I feel superheroic successfully battling the forces of grief and isolation.

Deflated

Yesterday was a particularly difficult Monday. A guy I'd been seeing, who was enthusiastic just the night before, ended things. And in a confusing way. But since communication issues were the cause I guess I shouldn't feel surprised. Rejection still sucks.

Two friends are going through difficult things, so today and tomorrow I have missions of friendship to carry out. I enjoy being able to help others. It's frustrating, though, to be capable enough that people rarely ask how I'm doing. I'm doing better at reaching out at least.

Physically I'm not doing great: my weight is down 5 lbs in a couple weeks, which I only realized when all my clothes stopped fitting. Nausea and GI pain have made eating particularly difficult, but I'm trying harder. My energy level is still pretty high though :)

Here's a silly photo of my cats to carry you through the week.

This little piggy sees the vet today

Road Trip

In late Feb I took a short trip to Centralia to visit an internet friend. It's a pretty short drive, 1.5 hours, but that still took a toll on me. I planned two days for the visit and got a motel room, an excellent plan.

We had a tea party the first afternoon, then sat and talked for hours. It's so nice to meet and talk in person with someone you have so much in common with. We're both knitters and also have chronic health issues.

The next day we walked around historic Centralia, it's a cool place. There was a little park full of blooming crocuses!

Her husband was hospitalized a couple days before my visit, so before I left town I stopped to say hi. Thankfully he's feeling better and is back home now. I'll just have to make another trip to see them both at home :)

Christmas Miracle

I've mentioned that I have a friend staying with me over the holidays. Unfortunately, this friend got a cold starting the second day. Very sad :( But even worse is that I'd just started a new biologic, which greatly increases risk of infection, and I already get sick at the drop of a hat.

But...I didn't catch the cold! It's amazing!!! I wasn't sick for Christmas, I'm not sick for New Year's Eve, I'm not sick and thus have to skip the second Benlysta infusion. None of it. Now that is an excellent way to start 2016!

Christmas Came Early

On Sunday my friend Adam came to stay for two weeks! I'm so excited to spend this whole holiday with him :) We met online, through a mutual love of knitting and language nerdery.

And today I started Benlysta infusions. I don't know how well this will work but it's going in a different direction than previous treatments. It's administered via IV, over the course of an hour. Before the medication they give IV Benadryl which made me super dopey--I stopped being able to focus my eyes. I get infusions every two weeks x three, then every four weeks. Injecting myself is a breeze in comparison.

It may seem like I'm always waiting for one treatment to work, or waiting for the next step in treatment, or just waiting for something. And that's not an illusion, that's my life. But this Christmas I got companionship along with more waiting but in a different direction. And those are pretty amazing gifts.

A Birthday

Last weekend was my birthday, I am a shocking 39yo.  No, I'm not sure how that happened either.  But so far I'm liking it: I have more confidence, plenty of life experience, and can happily ignore bad or annoying advice.  Be grateful I'm not your aunt, I'd be telling you to go talk to that boy: he can't know you like him if you don't talk to him!

It's not a birthday without cake.  I got drinks with a few friends during the week, had a party with family on the day, and saw a couple other friends as well.  A well spent holiday.

Mmmm, cake

"None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm." H D Thoreau  (I used to have a copy of Bartlett's, with favorites bookmarked.  This was a more recent acquisition however)

Riding Life's Rollercoaster

The last month has been interesting.  I've been attending the UW's Mini Med School, which I really enjoy.  It's two hours of public health-related lectures each Tuesday evening.  I won the gross anatomy lottery this year so was able to visit a gross anatomy lab.  I'm not able to distill that experience into words, though.  It was amazing.  It can be painful to revisit something I'm deeply interested in but completely able to pursue, however.

With the positives also come the negatives.  My energy has been lower this week and I think the recent decrease in fatigue is over.  My body wants to be awake and energetic only at night, which is inconvenient.  And making and keeping friends is always difficult.  I also lost a group of close online friends due to life's inevitable changes.

But I'm still here, and I'm pushing ahead on the Niebling lace project.  I've almost reached row 200 out of 250.  It should be a little faster from here on, the pattern repeats are shorter thus easier to memorize.

It this seems scattered, well it is.  Communication is difficult lately.

Wise words from a friend

Yesterday I read a beautiful blog post by my friend Byrd.  She is also living with chronic illness, and offers her unique and valuable insights.

Here are some observations Byrd has about folks with chronic illness:

"We are wise.  We are funny.  We have marvelous insights.  We see things in a different light.  Because of what we have faced, we value kindness, thoughtfulness and consideration.  We value things that make the world a better place without taking away from others.  In fact, what we value Adds to others.  We are complete."

She is also an artist with work on Flickr.

copyright http://byrds-words.blogspot.com/

Chronic Illness and Friends

For those with a chronic illness it's common to wonder "What's wrong with me?"  Or, "Why don't people like me?"  When the reality is that grown adults can't deal with illness as a part of life.  The ill person is blamed and shunned, and the healthy normies go about their lives.  Probably none of this behavior even registers consciously.  And that makes it hurt even more.

I lost a friend today, someone whose friendship I greatly valued.  I don't know why, she just dumped me.  I'd hoped that being a pretty awesome person, and kind and thoughtful, would count for something.  It doesn't, though.  Sometimes it's a crying shame that humans are hard-wired to be social.

One Sleeve Down...

The whole thing,
basted shut

...most of a sweater to go.  But I'm looking on the bright side, so: Sleeve!

I started the second sleeve before finishing the first, since I had to wet block it to get an accurate length measure before starting the sleeve cap.  So it was nice to pick up after the ribbing and get right into cables again.


Here's a better photo of the cables.  I'm halfway up the forearm on the second sleeve.  It's going to be epic :)

Tiny Baby FO

I attended a friend's baby shower on Saturday and knitted baby mittens for it.  These were cute, used yarn I had on hand (the yarn shop didn't seem to want to sell me any!), and were happily received.  I hope they're one of those happy small objects that are used over and over and make life better.

Plum lacy baby mittens, with I-cord connecting them

All wrapped up for the party

This was by far the most fun baby shower I've ever been to.  It started at 4pm with little sandwiches and cupcakes, as well as a punch bowl full of Manhattans!  I didn't get home until 9.  A great time with friends, male and female, and a fun celebration for the soon to be parents.

A Weekend Away

A couple weekends ago I went out of town to a beautiful house on the water. It was a great time with friends and something I wish I could do more often.  Three days of friends, talking, knitting, eating great food, and a hot tub as well!

The second day there was beautiful, clear and sunny, but I just couldn't get warm.  I stayed inside and enjoyed some quieter time, and focused on appreciating that I was able to be there instead of missing walking along the beach.  I did get some photos, which don't show how bright it felt despite the still-low winter sun.  It was a lovely weekend away, and just as nice to come home to my quiet comfy apartment and snuggly kitties :)

Anniversaries

I got married eight years ago today.  The wedding was great, a party and family reunion all in one.  But it was downhill from there.

I've been single now for five years and much happier now than then.  It's hard to believe how much has changed and how many years have passed since those events.  I'm still hoping to find a lifelong partner, but I've made wonderful lifelong friends which is something I never thought I'd have.  I live in my dream neighborhood and have productive creative outlets in knitting and sewing.  Life is good :)

This also marks my 220th post!  Thank you for reading.

Kitty :)

I have a fun housewarming party to attend tonight.  First, however, I'm hanging out with a warm snuggly Ella cat in my lap :)  I needed some time alone and kitty snuggles.  It will be good to be around friends, too, after holding myself together the last few days for one friend's memorial service and another's funeral.