In praise of overthinking

The man I'd been seeing since late June has been ghosting me for over a week. I know that something bad happened in his life but no more. After we'd started spending time together I was very happy. Many people commented on it. I asked myself, will I be as unhappy if/when this ends? But told myself not to overthink it and just enjoy. I had a reason to look forward to each week and had hope for the future.

Big mistake. I should have listened to that voice and backed away. I should have guarded my heart instead of trusting that the lessons I'd learned from past relationships would help this time. I hadn't factored that I don't get to have the things that everyone else does. No health, no job or career, no partner. None of that is for me.

I'm sure my broken heart will heal eventually; it always has. But for right now I hate almost everything about my life. I am very thankful for good friends, and my mom has been very supportive, but this still feels like too much to bear.

Another one bites the dust

I am once again a single woman. After stringing me along for months and lying about his feelings and intentions, finally on Friday Sweetie just...let go. He was not stronger than his fears, especially when he started believing the lies depression told him. I'm still in shock but friends have had many kind words and that helps a lot.

Cat litter calls: feel free to admire my breakup yarn while you wait.

I forget how weak many people are and how scared they are of love. Love is the reason I get up in the morning. It's what gives my life meaning and joy. Love makes my heart sing even when tears are falling.

I realize I cannot rely on the fickle nature of romantic attachments for my future. What I truly long for is community and family. There have to be local families who would love an honorary aunt. To that end I'm going to start attending a community church on Sunday evenings. It's a bit of a trek and previously had conflicted with my support group meetings then softball spectating (ugh!). But now is the time. Maybe this is an unattainable goal but all my goals seem out of reach so why not aim for the stars?

Love and Loss

Part of caring is having to grieve losses. Jake saw the vet two weeks ago for what turned out to be lymphoma. While he's still doing well on prednisolone I know it's only a matter of time. I'm alternating between enjoying normal time with him and worrying about the other shoe dropping. He's still breathing and eating well though. There was some trouble when he discovered the bitter reality lurking at the center of pill pockets. But we've successfully weathered that speed bump*.

To balance this out, things continue well with my sweetie: it's been observed that I am twitterpated. I half jokingly expressed concern that I've developed an unhealthy attachment to him, because I will be sad if he's gone. He replied that he's not going anywhere. And this is a man whose words and actions match!

I've also been having a small autoimmune flare, with increased joint and muscle pain and costochondritis. Yesterday was infusion day so hopefully that kicks in soon. I've had an intercostal muscle spasm since last Tuesday and would very much like for that to stop. It makes breathing hurt.

Jake's always had expressive ears

* I gave him a few empty pill pockets to break the mental link between them and nasty bitter tastes. He still gets pred in a pill pocket. But the gabapentin capsules are pill pocketed then he's forced to swallow. That's not his favorite but it's easier than forcing the plain capsule on him. And better than him crunching down on the capsule--blech!

Summer has a Sweetheart

I started dating again in December, leading me to meet such jewels as "Drunk Texter" and "Pee pee pants." I dated someone for a few months which ultimately resulted in a good friendship. I created a hierarchy of dating nos (#1: smelly, #2: boring). I tried out some fun new bars and started to really get the hang of casual dating.

But then one guy made my heart go pitty pat. And it's mutual :) Friends say, "oh, he's cuuuute" when shown his photo. He is kind, smart, fun, cheerful, adorably awkward, and he likes me. My health problems aren't a concern for him and he hasn't been spooked by fun stuff like 24hr urine collection. It's still early but this seems to have real long term potential. Plus he cooks!

More Doctors!

My immune system is a bored asshole so I get two new specialists--it's going to be a busy month. I'll have to start counting on my toes next! From the top and working down:

Neurology
Dermatology
Ophthalmology
*Gastroenterology
Cardiology
Internal medicine/PCP
Gynecology
Rheumatology
Hematology
*Endocrinology

*indicates new doc

This is in addition to multiple specialists I've seen for the same thing, or docs I'm not current with. Plus all the nursing and assistant staff. There are a lot of people helping to prop up this sick body.

The guy I'd started seeing decided he's "not excited enough about us." Whatever that means. I've decided that caring about people is not a personality fault; dating is just an unnatural situation.

Deflated

Yesterday was a particularly difficult Monday. A guy I'd been seeing, who was enthusiastic just the night before, ended things. And in a confusing way. But since communication issues were the cause I guess I shouldn't feel surprised. Rejection still sucks.

Two friends are going through difficult things, so today and tomorrow I have missions of friendship to carry out. I enjoy being able to help others. It's frustrating, though, to be capable enough that people rarely ask how I'm doing. I'm doing better at reaching out at least.

Physically I'm not doing great: my weight is down 5 lbs in a couple weeks, which I only realized when all my clothes stopped fitting. Nausea and GI pain have made eating particularly difficult, but I'm trying harder. My energy level is still pretty high though :)

Here's a silly photo of my cats to carry you through the week.

This little piggy sees the vet today

Dumped

I'd been seeing someone since Jan. Things were going well, not fabulously but well. He was sending some mixed signals but stress could've explained that. Until what I thought was our Thursday date night turned out to be me getting dumped.

As far as dumpings go it was ok. There was focus on it not being due to my poor health, his emotional baggage is the issue. Ironically, I'm the healthy one in that respect. But it's been a hard couple weeks. The same night I also heard about a family member's health issue, that's still pending.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. It's scary. We're having a beautiful weekend in Seattle and all those thoughts are chasing themselves around my brain. Maybe I can still shower and get out in the sun a little this afternoon. That would be a pleasant distraction.

Dating Pro Tips

Inspired by my buddy Justine, aka The Snarkaeologist, some dating pro tips:

1) When someone says they don't do drunk texting, don't belabor the point.
2) Don't forget the name of her cat then get jealous of said cat.
3) Don't wake me up. Definitely don't wake me repeatedly.
4) If you disobey these rules, be prepared to become a laughing stock to my friends.

Friday night...

and Saturday night

Where's My Mojo?

I've lost my knitting mojo.  And my spinning mojo.  I don't know where it went, but it's gone.  This has happened before, but never so abruptly or completely.  At least that I can remember.  I have started plugging away on the cable sweater again, after a break during hot weather.

I'm feeling well enough to get out more and start making new friends, though, which is great.  I chatted up a guy on Friday night, and we went out Sunday.  He's from out of town, but a good date is a good date!

Factory Seconds Men

When I was little we shopped at discount stores selling factory second clothing.  Often there would be nothing visibly wrong, maybe the sizing was off or the color was unpopular.  You had to check, though, to make sure there wasn't a giant slub down the front or one sleeve twice as long as the other.  What was missing was desirability.

Dating feels the same way: I've somehow missed out on the first class men and am digging through the seconds trying to find one who will do.  Does he take time to open up and just needs cleaned up?  Or is there a fatal flaw, like the inability to communicate or commit?  And how big a flaw am I willing to overlook?  But most importantly, I'm pretty great so why do no good men show interest?

These thoughts just coalesced after a profile with a very handsome photo crossed my path.  We talked about going out, I was happy to have someone with actual desirable characteristics who was interested in me.  But he turned out to be worse than all the rest; he posted a 10 year old+ photo.  Meanwhile I get to endure dating advice from married friends.  Dante missed this circle of hell when writing Inferno.

Men and Women's Fashion

Peter asked a question (actually my question): Why are men the arbiter of women's fashion?  His answer, and the answer most commonly given in comments, is that men are bored with their own clothes.  I don't see this as an acceptable reason to tell women how to dress, and with it how to act, how to walk, and so on.  If men's fashion is boring, make it interesting!  Peter's toile jeans and cabana wear attest to the unexplored possibilities in men's wardrobes.

In my opinion, it's a quantum leap from "men's clothes are boring" to forcing women into painful and impossible molds.  Maybe women's tenuous roles over the last 150 years made us easier to manipulate.  What better way to do this than by reaching into the core of how we feel about ourselves?  Male designers may mean to create something new or make women beautiful.  But by decreeing what's hot and what's not they draw a line down the middle of each woman that separates her strength and intelligence from her fears of not measuring up.

The unrealistic standards that proliferate in the West today, and have been rampant for over 50 years, make sure that women can never measure up.  This is not a world I want to live in so I stopped buying into the dominant paradigm.  By rejecting the idea that women look like ageless 16 year-olds, have beauty before brains, and sacrifice everything just to look good, I've created a more healthy space to create my own self-image.  Yet I'm like an avalanche survivor: you can create an air pocket with your hands, but eventually you run out of air.  Maybe by joining together we can save each other.

Crazypants; Or Putting the Fun in Fanatic

More dating stories from yours truly.  I honestly had no idea there were so many broken men out there!  I asked out someone I met at a book group.  This is part of his reply:

Now women are allowed to take the initiative to invite men to certain social gatherings where men are able to then take initiative...e.g. `Hey, there's a hike...' or `party' or `trip' . But if it's just for the sake of `going out', then a man must be the one to ask you.

Whose rules he's citing, I have no idea.  All the people I know, men and women, have no problem with women asking out a man.  Then Whackjob Crazypants said, "You're plenty pretty enough that you don't need to worry that a man you will be happy with will at some point pursue you."  Grrrr.  I'm quite proud of myself, however, as my responses were family friendly.  Nor did they require paging the Grammar Police ;)

Then I had a nice date last night, with a good guy I've seen a couple times.  I had been hoping to find a nice Christian guy but nice and Christian seem mutually exclusive, so I'm happy for an enjoyable date in pleasant company.

The Quilt is Done!!!

The only thing left to do is make and attach a label, and deliver it :)  And wash it--cat hair everywhere!  As it's autumn in Seattle you'll have to wait for pictures.  I finished the machine sewing over the weekend, then spent way too many hours hand slipstitching the binding down to the back.  I calculated 8 hours, but did speed up toward the end.  But it looks good ;)

And after whining about no dates. or bad dates, I had an excellent date!  We met for coffee yesterday and ended up talking for four hours.  I've felt a little hesitant to spread the news, worrying that it may jinx me, but then I remembered I'm not superstitious.

The Date

The good part of my Saturday date: I've met the guy.  He's no longer a maybe in my mind.  Initially he seemed fine, normal, friendly even.  We talked, he talked more.  Then he started saying strange things and launching into conspiracy theory rants.  The first half of the time was nice, the second half I wanted to run away screaming.

It's tough dating in your 30s because you have to find someone who's a good match personality and lifestyle-wise.  In my case, someone settled with a steady job and health insurance.  There is another potential date, and he seems normal.  One can only hope...

I Have a Date!

After feeling sorry for myself on here I got some good news.  I have a date on Sat with a really great sounding guy :)  We're going to walk around and enjoy nice weather before Seattle autumn completely hits.  The really exciting part is that I'm feeling well enough to date!

Besides Sat date-guy, I'm talking with a second guy about meeting up.  Maybe sometime next week, or next weekend.  Dating for me is very much feast or famine--and 2 guys at once is feast in my world.

And a thank you to Celkalee: I hadn't given up hope, was just going through a rough patch.

On Not Dating

A few people have questioned me or pushed me to date, as though saying "I can't date" means I've given up on potential relationships.  That's not it at all.  I wish I were well enough to do things I enjoy, a relationship among them.  I explained it quite well in my last post I think.  I appreciate the lovely comments--your support means so much :)

I realize that I look healthy, and all but the few closest friends see me only at my best.  But I wish people would respect what I say.  I'm not overreacting to the breakup--it was seven months ago.  This is a realistic appraisal of my life based on my reality.

First Dates

The three serious relationships I've had all started without a first date.  Since going on a few first dates this year I've been thinking about how my past relationships started.  My first boyfriend was a friend through high school, and we started dating when we ran into each other and he asked me to Prom.  My ex-husband and I met, talked on the phone, then our first date was him visiting me in the hospital.  The latest guy had also been a friend and we got snowed in together a couple winters ago.

So dating is strange to me.  The idea that you'd meet someone completely new and outside your circle of acquaintance, get to know him in a couple hours, and somehow know that you're a good match is baffling.  I have no idea how to make the leap from meeting to relationship.  I don't know whether I want to; so much is uncertain that I need a sign that this man is right.

I feel adrift, trying to find meaning or pattern in an infinitely complicated world.  I'm trying to be aware that God is in charge so I don't have to think about it.  I know I'm missing some spark, but worry that it will never happen.  Or that he too will change into someone who doesn't want to be with me.

Jealousy

I have some guy friends.  Guy friends who I'm not remotely interested in.  If I were interested in them it wouldn't be appropriate to have been friends while I was seeing someone else.  That's my rule, for me.  If the guy finds me attractive, not much I can do about that.  I don't exactly have people breaking down my door seeking friendship.

Jealousy reared its ugly head today while chatting with my ex.  I guess it's a way to avoid facing his role in our breakup.  The guy wouldn't commit and was actively avoiding me.  That's the problem.  He also wouldn't talk--thus this conversation when it no longer matters.

It's my business, as a single woman, who I spend my time with.  Nobody, especially a guy who decided work was more important than me, gets to tell me which friends are acceptable or not.  So now I'm looking for new chat buddies during the day.

Hazards of Online Dating

So, I'm on a dating site.  It's been slow until tonight: I think Valentine's Day brought out the crazies.

First I received this message from TribalMutt:
"FYI...

..."A woman's hair is a glory to God."

Therefore, if she has no hair, she has no glory. Although God understands if a woman is bald due to chemotherapy, but not because she cuts her hair off because it's a style that she wants.

Just fyi....

Be good.

Colin "

My reply?  That opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.  And apparently he is one.  

I also point out his faulty logic (losing a glory doesn't leave me with zero glories).  And mention that twice donating my hair to sick bald children seems more glorious than leaving it dangling off my head.

As if that weren't enough, here comes Jim4556:

"Your so incredibly beautiful."

Um, thanks.  

Watch out what you write me, guys, you might make it into my blog!